This is how you know…..
For the last 3 years I have dithered about wondering about going back to India. After all it is noisy, dusty, at times very poor air quality, but most of all fabulous.
Recently I have again wondered about returning. It is like a burning ember that will not extinguish with a deep red colour in a pit of darkness. India attracts me like a moth to a flame, and it is driving me nuts.
Why go back?, what would I gain?, do I really need to gain anything?…….and the questions rattle around inside my head like a set of ‘clackers’ , if you can remember them :-).
All of this has troubled me just about every day of the last few months.
I am 61, with a few issues:- type 1 diabetes, ileostomy, arthritic shoulders, glass back!, moody, well when I say moody we shall just leave it there hahahahaha
Two weeks ago I fell out the back on an HGV and suffered severe concussion resulting in me not feeling very well for the last two weeks, and to be realistic I am still not anywhere near 100%
This got me thinking (dangerous, oh so very dangerous).
What if this stops me going back to India, I thought to myself…….the emotion that came like a tidal wave caught me by surprise. Tears flowed down my cheeks. Thoughts of, why the bloody hell have you faffed about you dickhead and now you can’t go……you PLANK!
It was then that made me realise.
I would be so angry with myself for fannying on, overthinking, trying to make my return perfect, thinking I really am King Lear Singh of Rajasthan, and ultimately realising I have been a total and utter burke.
When you realise that you can no longer achieve your dream it smacks you straight on the nose, like a heavyweight boxer with a plan looking up from the canvass having been knocked the hell out.
Stop overthinking, stop trying to be perfect, stop putting things off, stop coming up with excuses, just stop okay
When I fell out the back of the wagon I could have been killed and that would really piss me off sitting on a cloud looking down shouting
“YOU BLOODY IDIOT”